What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is on a spectrum, and can actually be at healthy levels in some people.
Healthy levels of narcissism are basically good self-esteem. It is when you believe in yourself and your skills, and your self-evaluation is realistic (i.e. you don’t think you are the absolute best at everything when you are actually a beginner). You are able to understand other people’s feelings and emotions, and can empathise with them. Criticism doesn’t devastate you or cause you to throw a tantrum. Essentially, your sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of other people’s opinions.
Unhealthy, or malignant, narcissism is the other end of the spectrum. Someone who has malignant narcissism has a very fragile sense of self. They are overly self-involved and have a very inflated sense of their abilities, which hides a profound vulnerability and shame. Their sense of self is fuelled by praise and compliments and yet threatened by criticism and negative feedback. Honest feedback can trigger extreme anger.
At the extreme end of this is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, but it doesn’t mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD to be diagnosed:
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grandiose sense of self-importance
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preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
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the belief they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions
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need for excessive admiration
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sense of entitlement
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interpersonally exploitative behaviour
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lack of empathy
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envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
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demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes.
Spotting a Narcissist
However, simply knowing these criteria doesn’t make it any easier to spot a narcissist in real life, especially if you are romantically involved with them. Often, the closer we are to someone, the more difficult it is to see them clearly. Here are some of the “real life” signs to look out for if you think that you might be dating a narcissist.
1. They were very charming… in the beginning
This is a period known as “love bombing”. They planned nice dates, bought presents or flowers, text you back right away, told you they loved you early on, and so on. They might even emphasise how compatible you both are, maybe telling you that no one else “gets them” as well as you do.
However, as soon as you do something that disappoints them, they turn on you. You will usually not know exactly what it is that you did. You will be left wondering how you’ve hurt them, and how you can fix it. Narcissists are very adept at making you think that it is all your fault and that you need to be the one to fix it.
Often, the difference between when they “love” you and when they turn on you is like night and day.
2. They hog the conversation
Narcissists love to talk about their own achievements and accomplishments with grandiose. They feel better and smarter than everyone around them, but also talking about how much better and smarter they are helped to create the appearance of being self-assured. Because of this, narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others.
Lots of people like to talk about themselves, but you will get an inkling that you are talking to a narcissist when the conversation is always about them and when they don’t engage in conversations about you. Ask yourself; what happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions? Are they interested? Or, do they make the conversation all about them?
3. They thrive on compliments
Narcissists may seem like they are overly confident in themselves but, as we’ve said above, most narcissists actually have quite a low self-esteem.
Therefore, they need a lot of praise and if they feel like they aren’t getting enough, they will fish for it. They will say things like “doesn’t this look good on me?” and wait for you to actually answer them. And answer affirmatively.
Narcissists attach themselves to highly empathic people who will supply them with admiration and compliments buoy their self-esteem.
Someone who is actually self-confident won’t rely solely on you, or anyone else, to boost their self-esteem.
4. They lack empathy
Lack of empathy, which is the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the trademarks of narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, heard, or validated. This is because they don’t generally grasp the concept of feelings. They generally understand their own emotions, but not the emotions of others.
Ask yourself; does your partner care if you are upset or tired, or stressed? How do they react when you express your feelings?
5. Lack of long-term friends
Most narcissists don’t have many, or any, long-term, real friends. Simply put, people eventually see through them and don’t hang around. If you take a closer look at their “friendships” they will likely only have acquaintances, people they hang out with sometimes but talk about behind their backs and enemies.
As well as pointing to underlying issues with sustaining relationships (even platonic ones), this might also mean that they lash out when you want to hang out with your friends. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, that you like your friends more than you like them, or try to point out flaws in your friends.
Ask yourself; how does your partner treat someone when they don’t want anything from the other person? Does your partner have any long-term friends?
6. They pick on you
During the “love bombing” stage, this might have felt like teasing or even flirtatious teasing, but soon it got meaner and more constant.
A narcissist will nit-pick, put you down, call you names, and make jokes that aren’t funny, at your expense. Their goal is to lower the self-esteem of others so that they can increase their own. It makes them feel more powerful.
What makes this more difficult is that reacting to this hurtful behaviour will only make the narcissist feel more powerful. It makes them feel powerful to have such a hold on someone else’s emotional state.
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse and is another trademark of narcissism. The term “gaslighting” came from a play written in 1938 by Patrick Hamilton (and more recent film adaptations), called Gas Light. During this play, the male character dims the gas lights and then proceeds to convince his wife that she is imagining it. Gaslighting “involves psychologically manipulating someone to make them doubt their own sanity” (Anat Toffeel, from Solace Woman’s Aid).
Signs of gaslighting include:
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You no longer feel like the person you used to be
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you feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be
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You often wonder if you are being too sensitive
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you feel like everything you do is wrong
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you always think it’s your fault when things go wrong
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you apologise often
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you have a sense that something’s wrong, but you can’t identify what it is
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you often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate
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You make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
Gaslighting is another way that a narcissist will gain superiority over those around them. It is a way for them to “break you down” and get what they want.
8. Undefined Relationships
Some narcissists will expect you to act as their partner, so that they can get the emotional and sexual benefits of being in a relationship, but will still seek out other relationships prospects. A narcissist believes that they deserve the best, and so they will keep their eye out, always looking for someone “better” to come along.
If you notice this and speak up, your partner will likely gaslight you, telling you that you’re imagining things or making things up. They will probably also use it as another reason not to fully commit to you. However, if you don’t speak up, they will take that as a silent message that they can carry on and that you don’t deserve their respect.
9. They panic when you try to end the relationship
As soon as you back away from the relationship, a narcissist will try that much harder to reel you back in. They may go back to the love-bombing stage of the relationship, treating you really well, buying you gifts, “prooving themselves” to you.
However, they won’t be able to sustain this, and will eventually go back to their narcissistic ways.
They simply can’t handle the idea of someone else leaving them. This hits their vulnerability and low self-esteem hard and will cause them to panic and hold on tighter.
10. When you really end the relationship, they lash out
When they realise that you are really ending the relationship and that they can’t reel you back in, they will make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them.
Their ego, and self-esteem, are so badly hurt that they feel rage or hatred towards you. They won’t see that they have done anything wrong, and so they will feel betrayed by you and abandoned.
They can’t stand the idea that anyone else will think badly of them either, so they will bad-mouth you and blame you for the relationship ending, just so that other people don’t think poorly of them.